So….on the bright side of life, almost everyday of thanksgiving week was spent in a semi-drunk state, making this last week the official “let your liver dry out and stop the night sweats week”. There is a ribbon to commemorate overcoming these adversities in life and it’s the same color as a liver with severe cirrhosis. Although this was ridiculously enjoyable, I had not planned on this occurring....and this posting is a little late, but better than neverm
I had to work the first few days of the week, but due to 2 inches of snow on the ground Tuesday, I went in late that day to avoid black ice and freeway mayhem that was bound to ensue. On Wednesday, I “worked” less than 5 hours before I was sent home because 90% of all salaried employees had already bailed for an “extended-extended weekend” and there wasn’t a whole lot for me to do besides stare at the wall. Although it sounds neat to get paid just to sit there (and god knows I need the money), it’s really not as fantastic as one might assume.
Side Note:
I realize that anyone from the Midwest is laughing their asses off right now and I’m sure that if I got 3-4 feet of snow every winter, I would be laughing as well--- but I’m totally serious about the snow. Every time it snows 6+ inches, the city basically shuts down—schools, shops, EVERYONE takes a snow day. I swear I’m not making this up. The reason behind this is that we don’t have snow every year and when we do have it, it might be for a week at the very most. Portland OR is not equipped in the SLIGHTEST to handle snow on the ground and not nearly enough people own a set of snow tires or chains to get to work safely. I’ve lived here almost 5 years now and each time it snows, I see people sliding all over the road and backsliding on hills (my favorite) and looking surprised even though they don’t have the proper equipment on a front wheel drive vehicle to be out there driving to begin with. I have chains and studded tires for my car but I’m also unaccustomed to driving in snow, so when it does hit that 6+ inches, I just call a spade a spade and spend a day at my neighborhood bars instead.
The outcome of the 2 inches of snow: there was a wreck on the highway I take to get to work but not because of the snow. Instead, SOMEHOW somebody’s land rover managed to catch on fire…um, YEAH. Again, I’m glad I waited to go into work 2 hours late that day and slept in. GO ME! FAIL CARFIRE!
I got to play hedonist for an entire week. Monday night it started snowing, so after work I grabbed beer and a pizza (survival supplies) and headed to my boo’s house for the night. (That’s right, it’s the boo. What of it?) I figured if I’m going to get snowed in anywhere, I’d prefer it to be where there are people to hang out with, a fireplace and cute puppies to play with and easy access to booze and video games. (That’s my idea of survival.) Tuesday night was a bit of the same, it was still up in the air as to what was happening with the weather so I decided to keep drinking. On Wednesday I got cut loose from work 3 hours early so I went to Ilsa’s (aka She-Wolf) house where I helped her make pies and drink hot cider with spiced rum and listened to her and her roommate bicker for 5 hours.
Thursday required almost 250 miles of roundtrip driving to see 15 family members, so you had better believe there was alcohol involved (I drove on the way down, was the designated drinker and had the boo drive on the way back up). I understand that everyone has memories of family events and holidays that still give us night sweats when we remember what they are. Being in my later 20s, I think I’ve been a veteran to some “you ruined Christmas!!!” moments in my lifetime, some my fault, some not. But let me tell you this…..NOTHING quite prepares you for when the man of your life drops the TENTACLE PORN BOMB on your older cousin without a second thought and watching her try to mask the abject horror crawling up from the pit of her stomach to covering her terror stricken face.
I was so caught off guard, that I tried to smooth it over but hadn’t put together a logical, calculated method to do so. In the end, ‘T’ looked at me and said: “Don’t try to class it up! It was tentacle porn that was playing in that restaurant! During afterhours!”
I can’t wait to see what happens with Christmas…….
An child cut from the cloth of my own heart....sigh....
Friday was an impromptu house party with out of town friends where the night ended in competitive bubble bobble (OH SNAP KIDS!!) and one person (NOT IT!!) who ended up stumbling drunk and getting a ride home with a bucket on their lap. Crime doesn’t pay and neither does doing 14 shots in a row of tequila, several shots of bourbon and chugging down a large glass of absinth and soda.
Saturday
Things got interesting on Saturday night. Very interesting…..we still had out of town friends hanging out with us, and we collectively decided “I know! We haven’t been to strip club in ages!” Lets get this party started!!! There was a strip club called The Landing Strip that we went back and forth on checking out. Pros: T and I found it while driving up near the airport (coincidentally in the outer ring of industrial Portland). It caught our attention at once and both us started bouncing in the car seats with glee from imagining the skeezy possibilites. Cons: Out near the airport (Landing Strip, get it? Heh heh heh) and hard to find.
We ended up choosing to strip club hop to 2 different places and kicked off the festivities at Magic Gardens. Trust me when I say that this (and Mary’s Club) is a place where strippers go to die. Its like a sleezy Stargate: as soon as your feet cross the threshold, you are transported through a wormhole back in time to 1980 to a stripper truck stop in the middle of methtown nowhere in logging country Oregon. Much like the movie Stargate, you are in awe of your surroundings and the culture. The stripper “stage” is more like an elevated fountain pool drained of water with a rack and chairs around its outside, mirrors at the back, a LOW CEILING and NO POLE. It wasn’t just the stage. The décor was outdated by an entire generation and there was an old lady working as the bartender…I’m talking in her 70s at least, it was wicked. Portland is the strip club capital of the world (most clubs per capita baby!!) and this was a first for me. I have never seen a strip club sans pole that only midgets could dance on without hitting their heads. The whole scene was absolutely fucking weird.
We grabbed some drinks, took a seat and the 8 of us patiently awaited the delights of this pleasure garden. Well, there were 2 STRIPPERS for this fine establishment and one of them is barely 21 and looked way younger, had cut scars on her stomach and was completely out of it. I call her baby-stripper. Up at the rack, the night was made when we realized that she had meth-mouth and was covering her teeth with her lips when she spoke with patrons. She was sitting on our portion of the bar at the rack and started talking to us:
Baby stripper: “How are you doing tonight?”
(K speaking on behalf of our group): “Pretty good! You?”
Baby Stripper: “My day started off terrible, I had a toothache but its better now because I’m drinking.”
OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GGGOOOODDDDD!!!!!!! Yeah, I bet she had a MOUTH full of toothaches. While meth-mouthed baby stripper was trying to give us the fuck-me-eyes, she couldn’t barely look at any of us because her eyes were shaking around like bobble heads. Fan.tas.tic.
We got out of Magic Gardens in under an hour and headed over to the Lucky Devil, where the bartender doesn’t look like your dead Grandmother. We felt at home and at ease with the “stripper universe “ once again. Immediately after we got there, a girl was having her 21st birthday party and was taken onto the stage for some fun. Her drunk friend ran up there after her and ripped off her shirt and bra, giving the entire club drunken show. Good on her for keeping her body in shape, but I gotta say, watching a stringbean skinny, overly drunk girl try to shake her shit makes her look like a convulsing noodle.
God, I LOVE LOVE LOVE amateur night.
Sunday
I hung out with Ilsa, watched a movie, did some crafting and decided not to break the week’s tradition. Same as I'm doing tonight (a week later) but tonight I have cramps tonight that are so bad that I swear that my uterus is trying to crawl out of my body.
GOODNIGHT!!!
