Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Armpit Glue: Just add water
The Northwest is receiving waves of arctic weather down from the north and in correlation to current meteorological events, I am freezing my ass off. I’m still freezing my ass off half of the time but this story has absolutely nothing to do with the cold weather and everything to do with my sparsely-haired armpits.
Sunday was cold to the point where no amount of layering was going to help keep me and warm and I didn’t want to keep my heater on all day because I don’t really make enough to cover all my bills as it is with my current job. (another rant for another day)
In the early evening I got up the courage to get naked for the .46 of a minute required to jump in a hot shower to warm myself up. While relishing the water (as one only does only when it is BALLS cold and outside there is a frothy mixture of big blobby snow and raining coming down together), I reached for my bar of Dove soap and started rubbing it in my armpits, as is my custom. Somewhere around rinse time, I started to realize that there was a GLUE LIKE STICKINESS on the fingertips of both of my hands and my armpits were really itchy. I reached for the bar of soap again to make sure that it wasn’t coated in glue…why it would be coated in glue? I have no idea, but my overly paranoid and hyperactive mind thought one of several things, including going through a list of all the people that would potentially dislike me enough to break into my apartment and put glue on my bar of soap and then realized that it wasn't worth the effort for anyone to do so. The only other person I know that would think this would be a great prank now lives in NYC, so I had to rule out my two primary ridiculous suspicions.
It crossed my mind that this might have something in common with the fact that my armpits have been itching a ton in the last few weeks since I switched my deodorant. And I’ve been rubbing them like Molly Shannon in the movie Superstar…and getting the occasional sniff check in afterwards (fuck you, don’t judge me). I went out the night before and more than likely still had leftover deodorant and then prematurely mixed the soap into my armpits with a minimal amount of water….thus creating a chain reaction of weird, mildly disconcerting stickiness to deal with a few minutes later. I gotta say, reaching for the soap bar is such a force of habit that I probably did it without rinsing the residue out of my pits. Basically I’ve invented a very mild and nice smelling form of adhesive….with my armpits.
Moral of the story kids: Degree Anti-persperant and dove ivory soap are not a good combo, and you can’t blame the outcome on the dillusion du jour. I will say this, that shizzz was STRAIGHT UP TACKY. I wasn’t able to get rinsed out while in that shower….and I’m still using both products as we speak because I haven’t purchased anything else yet...yeah.
Sunday was cold to the point where no amount of layering was going to help keep me and warm and I didn’t want to keep my heater on all day because I don’t really make enough to cover all my bills as it is with my current job. (another rant for another day)
In the early evening I got up the courage to get naked for the .46 of a minute required to jump in a hot shower to warm myself up. While relishing the water (as one only does only when it is BALLS cold and outside there is a frothy mixture of big blobby snow and raining coming down together), I reached for my bar of Dove soap and started rubbing it in my armpits, as is my custom. Somewhere around rinse time, I started to realize that there was a GLUE LIKE STICKINESS on the fingertips of both of my hands and my armpits were really itchy. I reached for the bar of soap again to make sure that it wasn’t coated in glue…why it would be coated in glue? I have no idea, but my overly paranoid and hyperactive mind thought one of several things, including going through a list of all the people that would potentially dislike me enough to break into my apartment and put glue on my bar of soap and then realized that it wasn't worth the effort for anyone to do so. The only other person I know that would think this would be a great prank now lives in NYC, so I had to rule out my two primary ridiculous suspicions.
It crossed my mind that this might have something in common with the fact that my armpits have been itching a ton in the last few weeks since I switched my deodorant. And I’ve been rubbing them like Molly Shannon in the movie Superstar…and getting the occasional sniff check in afterwards (fuck you, don’t judge me). I went out the night before and more than likely still had leftover deodorant and then prematurely mixed the soap into my armpits with a minimal amount of water….thus creating a chain reaction of weird, mildly disconcerting stickiness to deal with a few minutes later. I gotta say, reaching for the soap bar is such a force of habit that I probably did it without rinsing the residue out of my pits. Basically I’ve invented a very mild and nice smelling form of adhesive….with my armpits.
Moral of the story kids: Degree Anti-persperant and dove ivory soap are not a good combo, and you can’t blame the outcome on the dillusion du jour. I will say this, that shizzz was STRAIGHT UP TACKY. I wasn’t able to get rinsed out while in that shower….and I’m still using both products as we speak because I haven’t purchased anything else yet...yeah.
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